I am sitting in front of James' parents computer in Birmingham Alabama. B'ham is my 'real' home. I lived here from 1984-2002. It is a comfortable, familiar city to me and I miss living here quite a bit. My in-laws and my grandmother-in-law, Marylou live here. Marylou, whom I adore and call my own, is getting older and having trouble with arthritis pain. It makes me sad we don't live closer to support and help her more.

Anyway - our trip has been mostly great/tiring. Nathan is not doing well at all with his sleep. He is not getting good naps, not nursing to sleep, fighting sleep with all he has got in him (which is ALOT). I must admit it has been very hard and it is only like the second day. It doesn't help that we have been on the go the whole time. We left Sat at 11:30. He slept all the way to Montgomery - perfect. He was awake for all his cousins and his sweet aunt Laura (James' sister). BUT, we stayes 1 hour too late. We left her place to head to Bham at 5 instead of 4 and that is where it started going downhill. He was overly tired, only nursed a few minutes here and there in the van during stops and was not happy to be in his car seat after the 3 hour stop. SO, to make a long story short (kind of), we ended up stopping because I could not calm him in the car, he was pissed. I nursed him, comforted him and finally we made it to Bham at like 7:30pm. Then instead of giving him a quick bath and putting him to sleep, we visited with James' parents, ate a wonderful dinner James' mom cooked and by then Nathan was just like a loose cannon. I then proceeded to give him a quick bath and he screamed while I put on his jammies. Finally at like 9:45 he was asleep. Then yesterday (sunday), when I woke up I felt horrible, so instead of the early church service, we opted for the late service. BUT that threw the whole day off and 2 hours later for everything else we had planned. Nathan was fine during praise and worship in the beginning, but then he started fussing as soon as the music stopped. So, I carried him around outside for the rest of church in some shoes that I had no business wearing (too tight on my feet), hoping to hame him asleep, but he refused to fall asleep. He finally slept for about 25 minutes once we put him in the van, but woke during lunch. Then we raced back to our home base to change then we went to see Marylou (about 25 minutes away). I was hoping Nathan would take a great nap there. NOT. I know he was exhausted, but he would not go to sleep. Finally James took him for a ride. He fell asleep in a heartbeat but woke the minute James got back. Then we went to James' aunt and uncles for dinner. We left at 9:15 and he conked out on the way home. It's just hard, you know?

This trip is not ALL about going, seeing and doing. As soon as Nathan and I get to my parents' house in Atlanta it will be rest time. I guess I should not worry about it and just go with the flow... Maybe I shouldn't worry that he won't go to sleep when I think he needs to, or that he misses a bath, or goes to bed late, or gets passed around like a little rag doll all day. I just feel guilty. He ADORES his bath. I took him in the bathroom at James' uncle's house last night, put him on the bath mat, took a warm wash cloth and wiped his little limbs and face. He smiled sooooo big even though he was soooo tired. I put some lotion on him and put him in his jammies since I knew our arrival time at our home base would be like 10pm. I just feel that he is getting the short end of the stick. Maybe this is all in my head.

OK, I will stop complaining after one more thing. I COULD NOT GET my little man to sleep for a nap this morning for anything. He grew fussier with everthing I tried. I started getting too frustrated to handle it and finally gave him to James. He got him to sleep in a minute or two. I wish I had more patience with him- he probably sensed that I was starting to get stressed. It is not his fault that I have snatched him from his familiar surroundings. All he knows is his home and the rooms therein. Everything is different now and I am not adapting well to him not adapting. OK. That's it.

On to bigger things. It has been great seeing everyone. Nathan has been a little ham for everyone and has saved all this "not adapting well" for James and I alone. He is awake, alert and happy for everyone he comes in contact with. I just love my little man and hope he wakes in a good mood for both our sakes!

He has slept for the duration of this entry. I have some goals for myself, starting RIGHT NOW. I would like to loosen up some on this trip. I would like to become more flexible with his moods and adapt accordingly without getting frustrated and stressed when the situation doesn't go the way I think it should. When we go home, I desire to take him out of the house more. I feel like a slave to our home, not knowing how he will 'act' when we are out. I want him to get used to different environments and different situations than he is used to. I want, one day (but not anytime real soon) to be able to leave him in a nursery at church. I want to go to the grocery store and not think about him every second (afterall he is with his responsible daddy). I want him to learn to drink from a bottle (which he refuses) so I can leave him with a responsible person while I go on a date with my husband. I love him and desire to provide him with everything he needs at all times, but I just think my ENTIRE WORLD is revolved around him and to be honest, I think that is wrong. In order to be the best mom on the planet to him (Nathan woke up at this moment. I tried to nurse him back to sleep and almost succeded, but it just didn't work. That is OK though. We will adapt to the situation. He is in a sweet mood with his daddy at the moment.) ANYWAY, I need to go visit with my boys, but I wanted to finish my thought. In order for me to be the best mom in the world to Nathan, I need to make sure my world is revolved around Christ and THEN I can meet Nathan's needs. I have been struggling with past sin guilt lately. One of lyrics of the song we sang in church yesterday went something like this "Standing on HIS righteousness, we are clean and blameless before God". It is soooo comforting to know that I don't and can't look to myself to be good enough or sinless enough to measure up. I measure up ONLY because of Christ's death on the cross. How GREAT is that? The burden is lifted.