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a need for the LIGHT to come back in and take control

2005-04-05 - 10:13 p.m.

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Not being able to fall asleep when I need to is getting real old, real fast. I have always been one to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, anytime, anywhere. I could nap on the way home from a nice dinner out, nap on my break at work, nap during a movie (at the theater.)

Nathan is peacefully sleeping and has been since about 8:30. I tried hard to start him out in his crib, but he was in an especially bad mood and would hear nothing of it. He didn't have a real good day today. I think it is because his naps were too short, but I just could not get him to go back to sleep today during any of his naps until his last one.

Nathan has been especially clingy lately. I have not been able to put him down for more than a few minutes before he starts to fuss. I try to allow him to get pass that fussy stage and start playing with whatever is in front of him, but he is too insistent about being picked up. James wants us to start picking him up less. I say that (from experience) he will just get madder and madder if we don't pick him up. I don't know if I am coddling him. He is my "work" and keeping him happy or trying to is part of that work, but James thinks I may be coddling him. I just don't know. I really don't.

He goes from screaming happy to screaming mad with tears in a matter of seconds. He has mood swings. I am sure of it.

James has been told by lots of people that we need to start adding cereal to my milk and feed it to him at bedtime and he will sleep better. The doctor said 6 months and I really want to stick to that, but I am concerned that the stress that I am dealing with will dry up my milk and I won't be able to exclusively breast feed him as long as I feel he needs it.

I am going to pray about it and give my stress and anxiety to the Lord. I need to start reading my bible - I have been thinking that for a long time now, but I really need to. Reading Alice's entry about getting back where she needs to be with the Lord really touched my heart and I feel the exact same way. When I am keeping my sights on the Lord and "giving" myself to him then I am a much happier person. I have joy, I can give joy. Without the presence of Christ in my life, I am a pessimist, I let worry and fear of what 'may be' rule me. It seems I am farther away than ever. That is so very, very sad because I have this little one - an enormous gift from God Himself, and I desire to raise him in His image. I cannot do that if I don't seek after Him. Maybe, just maybe the Lord is calling me back into his arms. Maybe I should be using this stressful time of anxiety ridden insomnia to pray and lean on Him.

I do have control issues that I will have to work on giving up. I am not in control, no matter how hard I try to be. I desire for God to be in control. He was once. I became "born again" at the age of 19. I was on fire for the Lord and didn't think twice about proclaiming it. I was at church before they opened. Present during worship practice, just to experience God's presence as much as possible. We don't even go to church here.

This is indeed a sad entry. So true though.
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