Modified entry. Well, James and I discovered we have different views regarding Nathan and sleep. It all started after CSI. We hardly ever watch it anymore or anything other than American Idol. Tania if you are reading this I am cheering for BO!!! (I must admit I also love Desperate Housewives *I do know that it is a horrible show, but it is SO FUNNY*) Anyway, I need to back up a bit. I put Nathan down at 7:00 on the dot. He fell asleep after nursing about 2 minutes max. He was exhausted because his afternoon nap wasn't any better than his morning nap. He had been awake since 3pm. Anyway, So, he first stirred at 7:47, right during dinner. I didn't move and James took that cue to go in and comfort Nathan. He was back in a few minutes. He told me that he had to pick him up and put Nathan's head on his shoulder for a minute then he was able to put him back down in the crib and pat his back till he was out again. Meanwhile, I was shoveling food in my mouth like there was no tomorrow, unsure that James would be successful. Well, he was for a few minutes. I had to go in, turn him back to his side and pat him for a few seconds. When I came out of his room it was 7:59. I told James to put it on CSI. He reluctantly did. So that brings us to: after CSI. Right? Right. James brought up how things were going to have to change in the arena of Nathan and sleep. He said Nathan was going to have to 'cry it out' and sooner better than later. The doctor said we may need to start pushing it at 6 months old. Also the doctor will surely give me the go ahead to start feeding Nathan cereal. He is still exclusively breast fed. Well that is in exactly 6 days. So to answer your question Heather , I have not yet started him on anything else. I told him that we never discussed the issue of sleep before we married and obviously we have different views. He is all for Nathan 'crying it out'. I don't know what my views are exactly but I do know that I feel so helpless and not in control of the situation. So that brings us to the present kind of. I got on the computer and read Megan's diary entry. Wise, Insightful Megan.

If I do do this, it is going to be the hardest thing I could ever think of to do. For the past almost six months, I have gone out of my way all the time, every minute of the day to keep him from crying. He is cute sure, but he is a high maintanence baby. He demands more of my attention than I can give him. I love to play with him, but a good portion of my day is spent trying to soothe him and keep his cute little whiny butt happy.

Megan writes about Alex's sleep training early on, "I'm glad for another reason, too. I'm glad because doing the hard work it took to develop good sleep habits has given me confidence in myself to be able to teach Alex more complex skills, and in Alex to be able to learn those skills and adjust and adapt to changes we all have to make as we grow up." I can't agree more. When I read what she wrote it was like a bulb going off in my head. I need this and want this confidence that she has gained. The next paragraph really hit homeplate with me. She writes, "It is hard, making a child do what she doesn't want to do. But sometimes (more often than not), the hard thing is the right thing. I'm the mommy... I have to make the decisions and enforce them now, so that Alex will grow up knowing she can count on me to take proper care of her, make the right decisions on her behalf, give her boundaries, and generally raise her to be a flexible, easy-going, obedient, confident child that other people will enjoy being around. That will take love, and nurturing and discipline." I just want anyone and everyone out there reading this to know that THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT RAISING A CHILD, but I just don't know how to accomplish it. I guess my gut tells me that 'crying it out' may be for the best in the longrun, but there is another part of me saying that it is not for us. I think maybe I have read too much information on it, new age thinking that falls in line with taking dodgeball out of gym class because of 'hurt feelings'. My mother let me cry, James' mother let him cry. There is just something about it that I can't get past. Maybe it is because of the fact that I doubt it will work. He is stubborn. He may fall asleep initially but he will wake in 45 minutes. Then what? Let him cry some more? All night every time he wakes? I feed him like 6 or 7 times a night at least. I just stop?

I guess what it comes down to is that I have enforced this behavior by responding to it each and every time he wakes. I know in the back of my mind that he doesn't need to nurse all through the night, but I guess I thought he would just stop eventually on his own. I guess I just thought he would learn to sleep better on his own too.

I am just not ready yet. My heart is still holding back from making decisions and acting on them. This may be one of those instances that the Lord will have to change my heart. He has done it before. With as much as I am fighting it, it may mean that it must be the thing for me to do. I hate that. Because it is so painful and I just don't like pain.

I will end with a picture of Nathan asleep. He fell asleep in his stroller during a walk the other day. Why can't it be that easy? Just drift off. Like in the car sometimes when he just drifts off like it's nothing.