It is a lovely evening - beautiful outside and slowly becoming that way inside. I spent most of my free time today working around the house. James worked from home most of the day and played with Nathan while I worked. His parents are coming to stay with us on Friday night. It�s been over 2 months since we�ve gotten together. I am really looking forward to it. They are a wonderful Christian couple. They are a loving, nurturing, accepting couple. I have said before that if my mom were not my mom, I would indeed want Babs, my mother-in-law to be. And I mean that. I can�t wait for them to see Nathan.

Thank you Megan, Alice, Heather, and Leslie for complimenting my diary�s new look. I wanted something cute and beachy.

This is going to be a very serious entry tonight. It is necessary for me to get this stuff off my mind so that I can move on from here.

I have spent quite a bit of time reading my older entries in order to obtain a clearer picture of how we got where we are � as far as Nathan�s sleeping is concerned. Nathan did not just start sleeping better on his own, overnight. I actually began working on it with him before I even started this diary � as evidenced by the fact he was sleeping alone on the mattress in his room when I was in the den typing my first diary entry on March 29th. I started getting serious about working toward this GOAL on April 2nd � over two months ago. Yes, goal. We always had this goal � from before he was even born. Our goal has always been for him to be able to get to sleep on his own, in his own crib and stay that way. Pure and simple. Right? WRONG. Nathan slept on me or with me for the first 4 months of his life and this is not an exaggeration. Even in the hospital he slept in someone�s arms between feedings. I tried to put him down in the bassinet of the pack N� play, I really did, but he would always wake up. Always. I learned that I could get him to get the naps he needed in my arms on the couch while I surfed e-bay, read Alice�s diary and surfed e-bay some more. Sleeping with me just kind of came about. I would fall asleep nursing him lying down on the couch or in bed and soon came to learn that he slept pretty well when he was beside me (as opposed to on top of me). That was something. I knew I could get sleep that way. He would wake; I would nurse him back to sleep � over and over again. It worked for us. I grew to adore sleeping with him� I remember thinking all the time how well lovely he felt there, how wonderfully soft and snuggly he was. Poor James � he hung in there (in bed with Nathan and me) for the first 3 months or so even though I was (accidentally) waking him all night long while taking care of Nathan. He finally moved into the spare room for two reasons: to give me and Nathan more space and to get better sleep. Before leaving our bedroom at night he would ask me to try to put Nathan in the pack N� play but I refused, saying he wouldn�t sleep in there or that he would wake if I tried to put him down. I had made my choice � to continue sleeping with my son. My marriage started suffering though - we had no intimacy in our marriage because if I were to go visit James in the spare room, Nathan could wake at any second and realize I was not beside him in bed. I missed my nightly chats in bed with my husband. I missed snuggling with James at night before drifting off to sleep. I missed being able to just roll over and �spoon� him when I woke up at night.

My co-sleeping with Nathan worked until he turned 4 months old and started waking 10-12 times a night needing help getting back to sleep. Sometimes I could simply pat his back for a few minutes, but mostly I would have to nurse him back to sleep. He slowly became an active sleeper too � kicking and waking all through the night. With my �mommy� sensor going off with his every move, it made for very rough nights. About that time Nathan also started refusing to be nursed to sleep for naps. That was not good because the bulk of my sleep came from leisurely naps with Nathan nursing himself to sleep right beside me.

That brings us to about the time I started this diary and started seriously working toward our goal for Nathan. I gave James our room back, along with the luxurious queen pillow-top mattress and we put the full size spare room mattress on the floor in Nathan�s room. I started by placing him in his crib asleep after his bedtime nursing, then I would bring him down with me for the rest of the night. I slowly worked toward putting him in his crib after each feeding. We were making progress, but it was not enough. Our goal remained unmet. I was still 100% against any crying on Nathan�s part though. The thought of him crying all alone in his room sent horrible feelings of fear and panic racing through my body. Hell no, I wasn�t going to let that happen. No, no, no. NEVER. I actually said to my husband on the night of 5/12/05, �Over my dead body will Nathan ever cry himself to sleep.� This was when I hit rock bottom. I was being controlled by my feelings and my emotions. Controlled by them. I knew it, but still didn�t want to let Nathan cry any. Megan comes into play here. She NEVER once told me to let Nathan �cry it out�. I know from talking to her that she feels the same way I do and doesn�t believe in making a baby �cry it out�. She simply wrote an entry about child rearing; discipline and sleep on 5/11 that I agreed with WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I prayed and asked God to intervene because I was so against being able to let this baby shed a tear over sleep. I wanted to be led by God�s Spirit in this. James and I both believe our desire for Nathan to sleep on his own came from God. Well, God changed my heart, pure and simple. I knew I would never agree to let him �cry it out� till he fell asleep, but I knew I would have to let him cry some. God knows, it was the most painful feeling I could ever imagine when I realized this. Something I had bent over backward to avoid at all costs, something I had run from and avoided like the plague. At this time, I didn�t even let this baby fuss for more than a few moments...

You know, I have always known in my heart that it is WRONG for me to act strictly upon my �feelings�. I have also learned that in my life, when I am listening, the Holy Spirit often calls me to make decisions that are opposite and contrary to my emotions. What are emotions anyway? They are impulses that are established in the brain, resulting from our genetics and the environment in which we were raised and interact. These emotions are also, at times, uncontrollable, and often, they are contrary to reality. Furthermore, they are totally undependable as a basis of sound decision-making. This is what I believe to be the truth.

I don�t believe that co-sleeping is wrong for everyone, but it is for us AND always has been because my husband never agreed with it. If a married couple is in agreement about co-sleeping with their children, great (and I do know how great it can be!)

I give God all the credit for the positive changes that have come about. When I finally let go, Nathan started sleeping better. I believe that the small amount of crying he did in the beginning actually helped him. He cried, then a few minutes later I came back to show him it was OK and that I was still there. I don�t believe for a second that by allowing Nathan to cry for a few minutes that I am harming him and that he is learning to �mistrust� me. I believe that children can develop mistrust IF their needs are not met on a consistent basis. I know in my heart that I am meeting my son�s needs when they arise and have always done so. I also know that I am doing the right thing for our family. I am not going by feelings or emotion; I am going by the evidence that Nathan is peacefully going to sleep on his own, in his own crib for the majority of his sleep periods. Sure, he still fusses for a few minutes at times before naps. Sometimes I have to go in to comfort, re-assure and reposition him, but for the most part he has the skills needed to find his own way to sleep without being upset about it. Do I expect him to just fall asleep like this when we go away for the night? No. I believe that there is give and take with everything. I believe in �choosing your battles� but making sure you win the war. That is another story...

I would like to end by saying that I don�t think my reality is right and yours or anyone else�s is wrong. I just have to be true to what I believe is the Truth. God knows I act on my feelings and emotions all the time. The desire of my heart is to be led by God�s Spirit. It�s a work in progress...

So on to more important things :