I have just a few moments while Nathan is distracted by a video. He's watching it from his highchair - so I know he's safe.

I feel so much better! My attitude is better also. I have been feeling quite guilty lately - complaining so much about feeling so horrible during this pregnancy so far. I know I should be grateful, thankful, and in complete and utter awe that I am pregnant at all. There are SO many, many women who would kill to feel the way I have been feeling - if only they could become pregnant with a baby of their own. My heart hurts so much for them - years and years and years of trying and getting nowhere, month after month, procedure after procedure. If anyone DESERVES to become pregnant, it would be that very woman who cannot carry but desires to more than anything in the world. My heart also hurts so much for Jenn. There are women carrying babies all around her and she carries around the heavy burden of pain and loss. I don't understand why things happen like this. I CAN understand why people don't believe in God though. They see horrible destruction, loss of life, poverty, abuse of the most heinous kind, and injustice everywhere. How could the Lord allow this to happen? they ask. What kind of God would allow a helpless infant to be hurdled across the room into the wall and suffer permanent brain damage? Why would he let that happen? Why didn�t He stop it from occurring? Why didn�t he heal the baby after it did occur? (This was one of SEVERAL pediatric abuse cases that I dealt with as a PICU nurse in New Hampshire and here in Pensacola before Nathan was born)

I don�t have the answers. All I know is that God IS in control � even when it looks as if he isn�t around. He allows things to happen. He allows people to act upon their own will. I believe his heart is broken over every horrible act that has and will ever happen. My belief is that in heaven, the infant that I spoke of earlier is whole and healthy and full of life and love. Safe now - in His presence. I believe that Jenn�s beloved son, David, is there � waiting on the rest of his family to follow and in the mean time having a ball in the presence of his Maker.

I became a Christian at age 19. Back then, there were quite a few �things� that pushed me toward seeking a �higher power� and a real purpose for my life. Once I said the sinners� prayer and gave my life to Jesus � I cannot describe to you the beautiful peace that followed. There used to be �stuff� going on in my mind ALL the time. Thoughts, plans, debates, worries and so much more. Once I started praying and �giving� all those thoughts to God � they just went away. Poof! An empty, quiet, peaceful atmosphere up there. I still have it too! Praise the Lord!

I don�t know why I am getting off on all this � I am far from the Lord now. I NEED Him so much right now with James away. I NEED Him first and foremost in my life so that I might raise my children in HIS image. That they would love Him with their whole hearts. That they would desire to do his will. While carrying Nathan, I constantly prayed for the Holy Spirit to saturate that little baby. His baby. James and I are his earthly parents � here to raise him up. But he belongs to the Lord. He is first and foremost a child of God. It is my duty to teach him right from wrong, light from dark. Goodness, kindness, gentleness, patience, self control. Love. How can I do this if I am not seeking the Lord with my whole heart? God has such mercy and grace.
I�ve heard that people come to the Lord out of desperation or out of inspiration. I first came to him FULL of Desperation. Now, my desire is to come back to him FULL of Inspiration.

I pray that if you have never asked Jesus to become the Lord of your life that you will do so now. It has nothing to do with whether you think He is real, whether you think you need Him, whether you think you deserve His Love. It has nothing to do with us. It is all about Him and what he did on the cross. He gave up His own life and shed His own blood so that He could be raised up and give LIFE to all who will call upon His name. He is the one who gives us the faith to even believe in Him. It says in the bible that all of Heaven rejoices when a soul is saved.

There must be millions of reasons why people don�t believe. Why they don�t seek Him.

All I know is that I was once blind to Him and at age 19, the blinders were released from my eyes. I can recall eating lunch with a dear Christian friend � a mentor. We were enjoying good food and talking about how Holy and sovereign the Lord was. It was then that I thought about all those poor souls running around so blind out in the world � unable to see the Truth. At that moment I felt so fearful and so thankful that (my insignificant) soul was saved, that I could see the Truth and know it for certain. I recall that my friend shared with me that I should not take it lightly � that I had a job to do. My job was to share the GOOD NEWS of Christ with the rest of the world, by action and by deed and by word and by prayer.

My prayer is that the Lord will give me the desire to seek Him again with a vengeance! That I will become saturated by His Word. That I will put him first and be led by His spirit. That He would one day use me to accomplish his plans and purposes. It will be a long road. One that I will rely on Him to lead me down entirely.