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why

2006-01-19 - 9:39 p.m.

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Maybe it's because I feel out of control. It seems that everything is out of control over here right now. The house is always a wreck and I can't seem to get it under control. It's not just Nathan and his mess. AND HE MAKES LOTS OF MESSES. I don't put anything back after I get it out. I put off cleaning up after cooking. I throw clothes down just wherever. My bed is full of pretzel crumbs, empty ice cream bowls, etc. Stuff is always on the floor.

I just don't know how in the world I will be able to handle another baby on top of everything. I know that the other stuff doesn't matter. Of course it doesn't. The only thing that matters is the well being of the children. But. I don't like living like this. I get depressed. I want organization. I need to somehow get it, and fast.

I pray that everything is OK with the baby inside me. I pray that the baby is not 'picking up on' my lack of joy. I want joy and need it. So bad. I AM happy to be pregnant. Sure, this baby is a little earlier in coming than we had talked about - about 3 months or so. Not the end of the world. I just don't understand why I don't feel estatic. I hope it is just hormones. Something I have no control over - because I want it to be something out of my control that is making me feel this way instead of something that is up to me to do something about.

All I can do about it is pray.

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