My head aches and my heart hurts. I am overwhelmed with sadness and plagued by confusion. I just don't know how my heart will ever truly heal. I am realizing first hand that it is true that the heart is deceitful among all things.... My beloved grandmother Marylou went to be with the Lord yesterday. I was honored with the distinct privilege of being with her. The Lord orchestrated yesterday's events long ago - I know that in my heart, without a doubt. My heart burns with desire to go back and change everything that led to her death yesterday. I would have been more involved in her life over the past 2 years. I would have called more; I would have been around her and seen that her health was failing. I would have nipped it in the bud. But I can't go back. Marylou was a Christian. A strong Christian who had just as many faults as she did godly attributes. She was giving. Generous. Concerned. Empathetic. A wonderful hostess! A true friend. She was genuinely thankful for everything that anyone did for her. She was respectful. Determined. Stubborn. Headstrong. Particular. I was overwhelmed with the desire to nurse her back to health from the first time I saw her in the ICU on the 29th of March. It was only a pipedream at that time. She was so weak and frail - 86 lbs, I think. Her Rheumatoid Arthritis had crippled her for months. She was in constant pain and unable to properly care for herself - yet she did it anyway. She got by for months. She must have only done the bare minimum for herself. She hurt and so she sat. And sat and sat. She developed a pressure ulcer on her sacral area. She was being treated for that before she ended up in the hospital - they said that it wasn't so bad - time would heal it. She had to stop taking her medication for her arthritis because of the wound. She grew weaker and weaker. She lost a substantial amount of weight - like 55-60 lbs in about 6 months. She went to get out of her chair one day and fell. She didn't injure herself due to the fall, but the people at the retirement home she was living at got wind of her falling and suggested they allow someone to take her to the hospital. She was in the ICU 3 days later. She had severe malnutrition - severe like she had not been eating for 6 months. Her wound opened up showed itself to be a massive ulcer (Stage 4). She couldn't even lift her arm. That was how I first saw her on March 29th. I had not seen her since February 9th. More to come. Feb 9th was my MIL's birthday. It had been awhile (way too long) since Nathan and I had been to Birmingham to see family. I believe we hadn't seen my in-laws since Christmas. Marylou had refused to travel for Christmas. I had tried to talk her into it over the phone. I encouraged it, but didn't push it. I knew she had been having a rough time and that she was in a lot of pain. Her hands were hurting, her feet and ankles were hurting so much so that it hurt to walk. WHY DID I NOT KNOW HOW BAD IT HAD BECOME???? I didn't push because I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. I wanted to see her but I knew that once she makes up her mind, that's IT! She doesn't change her mind. Anyway, Nathan and I went to Bham on the 9th and we had planned on going to lunch with Marylou, my MIL and my MIL's sister, Carol, the next day. Carol was to pick up Marylou because she hasn't been able to drive for several months. We (Nathan, my MIL and I) got there first and got situated. My top priority was keeping Nathan from being too fussy (we had been swimming at my MIL's rehab place prior to lunch and Nathan was slap worn out.) Carol was holding Marylou's arm as they walked toward the large corner booth we had settled in at Applebee's. I dismissed it. I noticed that Marylou didn't eat much of her meal and that she struggled somewhat with her utensils. She was feeding herself though. Something we just assume people are able to do on their own. WHY DID I NOT PICK UP ON THIS????? Lord knows she has always put on a good show. She managed the best she could. She didn't want to burden others anymore than she had to. She was already relying on family to take her to doctors� apts, to the store, etc.